Tulip to make you smile (courtesy of Collage'12 1st semester ish---unedited) by Me

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” 

I didn’t believe this statement before. All I believed was happiness is achieved when things around you are doing just fine and you have nothing else to worry. But an event in my life helped me to understand that happiness is achieved when one thinks happy thoughts.

Ella. I couldn’t help but smile whenever I remember her name. It simply resembles the vibrant colors of the rainbow and the lush green grass in the fields that reminds me to be happy even when my day gets gloomy. 

I just could not forget the day I met her.

She stood at the corner weeping. I didn’t know what to do. I left the other kids and went to help her. I wondered what made her cry that way. I hugged her tight but she cried even more. Her soft, still sobs turned into a loud wail. I panicked. Then I realized it’s card day.

Card day is one of the most important events to Sun Valley High Gradeschool. On that special day, parents and guardians pause their businesses, take a leave from work, and gather at the school halls to see their children’s grades. After such gathering, kids are given a treat to their favorite dessert kiosks or ice cream houses. Some of them spend family time fishing, swimming, baking with mom or playing Nintendo with dad.

But to this 7-year-old girl, card day seems to be an ordinary day. She was sent right away to the tutorial center for her regular session.

I looked at her report card and saw failing grades. Having a little patience, I got irritated. “Cry some more, Ella! Cry some more! Just cry until the session ends, okay?” I muttered. Stunned by what I said, she stopped crying. I was relieved.

I just don’t want to see or hear someone cry. The sight could just draw me back to that horrible memory I have.

I continued with the session and gave them some drills. The whole session ended without me asking her what exactly was wrong with her. And I knew I’ve been a rude tutor. I should have not acted that way. But I was still hurt to care.

Three years after the accident is enough to heal the wounds. But I was still grieving over the loss of my family. Mom, Dad, and my sister, Jenna, were killed in a car crash on that dark Sunday night. They came looking for me after jumping out the window just to attend a party thrown by my friends. I, impulsive Tessa, went out without parent’s permission. And It was not the first time I did that. I knew I wasn’t a good daughter or a good example to my sister. When that Sunday night came, guilt, regret, and frustration swept over me.

I was guilty for I knew that because of me, they died. I regret for I did not follow my parents’ rules. And lastly, I was frustrated for I know I could not turn back the time to make things right. I was drowned in those emotions that I didn’t care enough to know the girl’s problem.

Few days passed. I tried to be nice to her. I promised to help her with her grades and she promised to cooperate as well. We talked. She smiled. And that was one of the most wonderful thing I saw. It gives me satisfaction.

Ella, an orphan girl, only has grandma to take care of her. She has an older brother who lived in another city who also has an aunt to assist him. She smiles and finds joy in every simple thing she sees. She sings and talks a lot. A girl like her has more stories to tell than I, who already existed 23 years in this world, never knew any story. Perhaps, I just don’t want to tell her any.

Those are the things I learned from her. Then all of a sudden, I felt the happiness within. The happiness that even when things turn out bad, you still has to have it in your heart.

Sometimes we would go to the rooftop and whisper at the wind. She’s so odd. She taught me those unusual things. But I liked it. I loved doing it.

Summer is coming and classes are about to end. I saw Ella excel academically and I was so glad for that progress. I’m going to miss her. As the last day of school approaches, I felt a little pain, pain that I didn’t know why It’s there.

One day, she came to my desk and gave me a box. “Teacher, I thank you for being so good to me. I give you tulip to make you smile. I hope you like it.” It was artificial. And it has something written on it. 

"Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something... Find it and keep it lit!"J

I looked at her, surprised. She smiled. And I never thought that that smile could be the last.

Summer came. I spent my vacation in the countryside. I gave myself a treat after the tragedies I had. I attended retreats and seminars. These things helped me cut off whatever negative emotion I had inside. I have to thank Ella for this, I thought.

After the summer I hurriedly went to Sun Valley High. It was enrollment time that I went to see the principal if she already enrolled. But she has not enrolled yet. I waited for days. Then days turned to weeks. Then weeks turned to months. Still, no Ella appeared. Until one morning….

I heard a knock on my door. I saw an old woman clutching a box. “Is this the home of Tessa Danes?” she asked. “Yes, I am Tessa.” I invited her in. I was puzzled what brings the old woman in my house.

“My granddaughter wants to give this to you.” It’s a box full of drawings. I was astonished to see how well she draws. I took a look at them one by one. “Ella was right. You look a lot like her mom. Each day Ella gives me a portrait of you in order to convince me that you really look like her mom” Grandma confessed. I got silent.

“Where is she?” I inquired.

“She’s gone.”

I got confused. I was not satisfied by her answer.

“Where is she?” I asked again.

“She died few weeks ago. She died of Asthma. I didn’t get to see her that day until I went to her room. I thought she was just sleeping but…” She stopped. Then she cried.

“I just want to thank you for helping her and looking after her. You know I’m already old and could not manage taking care of such a child that’s why I enrolled her to your class. And I think this is all for now. Thank you.” The old woman left crying.

There I was. Seated. I didn’t know what and how to think. Tears just could not fall down.

I brought the box and went to the rooftop where we used to go.

I opened the box once again and saw a pink paper.

“Teacher, few days from now im gonna see you again. I hope you had a great summer. I have so many things to tell you. See you on the first day. 

Be happy.

-         Ella

I cried and whispered at the wind. 

God, I thank you for sending her. There are so much that she knew that I never knew. Or things I knew but I don’t believe. She helped me think happy thoughts and I learned so much from her. But im gonna miss her. I just couldn’t understand why you took her.

I cried until my eyes were dry.

Heart and Mind by Kina Grannis

I write you letters from right to left
See if you have desire yet
To decipher what I said
And learn secrets from my head

It was hard for me to say
Those three words that are so brave
Almost kept them locked away
Deep inside where they'd be safe

BRIDGE:
Always trying to find
A safer place to hide

CHORUS:
Always felt I was protecting my...
Heart and mind
Heart and mind
But it seems like to really feel alive
I cannot hide
My heart and mind

I don't know why I get shy
Tucked away inside my mind
Scared to let someone inside
I sit silent in disguise

BRIDGE

CHORUS

The day I found the strength inside me
just by finally realizing
is it truth that is inside 
that I really cannot hide
my heart and mind...

Always felt I was protecting 
my heart and mind
but it seems like to really feel alive
I cannot hide my heart and mind
I cannot hide my heart and mind...

My Only One

Come with me, and we will fly together, 
to a place, where we can love forever,
Take my hand, and we will see tomorrow, 
only joy, and no more tears or sorrow, 

A love I never knew, until I found you, 
I promise that I do, believe that dreams come true. 

Miracles will be, look at you and me, 
heaven helped us to, believe that dreams come true. 

Instrumental Break

In this moment, filled with deep emotion
hold me tight,  you'll feel my true devotion. 


A love I never knew, until I found you,
I promise that I do, believe that dreams come true. 


Miracles will be, look at you and me, 
heaven helped us to, believe that dreams come true, 
believe that dreams come true. 

http://wordsinnotes.blogspot.com/2012/07/dreams-comes-true-pachelbels-canon-in-d.html

I'll Meet You There

Where lush green mountains kiss the blue sky...
Where cascading waters and birds singing are the music that i can hear...
Where the cool breeze and warm sunshine embrace my skin...
Where flowers bloom verdantly...
I'll meet you there

Where happiness is unlimited...
Where no sorrow can abide...
Where no pain would linger..
And my heart rejoices...
I'll meet you there

Where we enjoy watching the sunset skies
Where together we sing and tell stories
Where all I can hear is your laughter
and not my gentle sobs...
I'll meet you there...<3 p="p">

Drift

Today, I'm recollecting my thoughts. Thoughts that lead to pointless views. I feel so numb. I feel like drifting away. Faraway where my dreams are whispering goodbye. I have to do something that would stop me from yielding into this foolishness. Till next time. I'll be back if I find myself.

back to loving you...

You ignite my world with the warmth of your presence. Yet you were meant to fill this dark, void and empty corner of my being.

If you need a shoulder to lean on and there are a hundred steps between us, you can take the first step and I'll be the one to take all the 99 steps to be there for you...

Thousand Sunsets

Deep thoughts lingered in my mind as I enjoy basking alone under the sunset skies. I still figure out his smile when he would see the sun disappear over the horizon creating a fluorescent reflection in the pristine waters of the bay. I still remember his voice ringing in my head whenever we exchange stories . His eyes sparkle as he hummed a sweet tune and laid his gaze on me. And I still remember when he clasps me in his arms when the cold wind blows. I remember how his gorgeous face looks like when he tries to make me laugh whenever I got bored and moody. He became my die-hard comedian. All those I could reminisce through the many places we've been particularly at the dockside. It became our sanctuary. We use to loiter there even under the canopy of the stars.
But Steve wasn't as sweet as that when we met. He was a straight A student in our university. He was determined and prominent. No wonder I knew him right before we know each other. Being a future lawyer, he didn't care about anybody except his family and his studies. The first time I met him was at the dockside when he confronted me when I scolded his little cousin for scampering around me that caused my painting to plunge into the water. I loathed him for that. The second one was at my art exhibit. I didn't know that he was my Kyle's (my boyfriend) guest. I still remember how he sounded like somebody who knew me better. I suspected him then that he was spying on me. But his response pierced me, "Why would I spy on a you, immature brat? I would be the dumbest spy if I did." I hated it so I sent him off.
I never knew that that wasn't the last time I'd see him. We met at an Italian restaurant which was my favorite. I played it safe."Hello", was the first kind word he uttered, so far. I replied with a casual "hi". "I think it's not good if we would continue the war. Let me introduce myself . I am Atty. Steven Liu, a public servant", he said sarcastically. He was the first one who declared the ceasefire. Our friendship started then. We're so different in many ways. He loved classical songs versus my pop and rock; his indoor pampering versus my outdoor adventures; his movie criticism versus my crying-moment in the middle of heavy drama. It's as if he was the hopeless introvert and I was the die -hard gregarious lass. We were almost different except for few things; our love for books and the sunset. Those things bind us together.
I still remember how he cared when my boyfriend left me through his death. Steve was there with me when I witnessed Kyle's last breath. And he remained a true friend when the only name I could utter was my Kyle's. He healed the wounds that lingered for so long in my heart. "Everything would be fine, for sure. I know you can handle it." That was how he assured me. I was on the process of recovery from the loss when he told me he has his girl living in another country and she's coming back in few weeks. I appreciated his honesty.
Steve's girlfriend arrived from Australia keeping her promise to come back to marry him. My world crushed. I didn't understand what I felt that moment when he came to my house and introduced me to her. She was the girl he was dreaming for so long so I was back to shadows again.
The thought of him having somebody to spend with the rest of his life created a little wound in my heart. To ease the pain, I easily opted to go with my dad to Austria for his business trip. I didn't tell Steve I was leaving. I tried to find myself there, but the thoughts of him won't fade away. I wandered lonely in Austria, like a dark cloud. Never knew where I'm going, never knew the reason for doing it for all that's inside my head is he. Dad's business deal was closed in a week so I made myself ready to return to the real world.
When I came home, everything was fine, and I hope it would always be. I was surprised to see him when I visited Kyle's mother. I never thought he'd be there. We had a chance to talk. I was stunned when he told me he wasn't married. I didn’t know the reason but never dared to ask him why, otherwise he could tell me that the reason was another woman I never know. Why would I care? I'm better off with it. When I tried to admit that thought, something inside me mourned.
Fate played the game again when I was struck by the dreadful Liver Cirrhosis. All hopes faded when I realized I might not see his face again. But he never failed turn me up when I got too poignant. I became very ill then I thought it might be the end of everything. But liver transplant was the only hope.
On the day prior to my operation, as our usual activity during afternoons, we went to our favorite dockside. This time was different. I wondered what was going on inside his head. He waited for the sunset. He stared at me for few minutes and began to talk. "I know that after this, we never know what could happen next. But whatever life may bring us, I want you to know I'll be standing by you till the end. I want us to be still friends whatever may happen. And please, will you promise to come back for I still have things to tell you after you get well." My heart cries for something I didn't know that I must feel. Would I be happy for we would always be friends ? Or there's a part of me that wanted more from him. Theories about the things he would tell me flooded my mind. Could he not tell it to me now?
Steve was out for a free trial in Cebu so he wasn't there with me on my operation. I knew from the core of my being that he would have some goodies for me to tell after his trip and my operation. We would have lots of things to talk about. I just couldn't wait to get well and tell him everything I was feeling since the day we met. I couldn't wait to tell him I was dangerously falling for him. Right at that moment I never knew my mom has planned to take me to Berlin and live with her there. She said I was going to study international arts there and everyone's in her league. Everyone in the family likes Steve except for Mom.
After the operation, Mom tried to force me to go with her but she never succeeded and everyone knows that Steve was the hidden agenda. For several days, I waited for him to come back. But there was no Steve seen. I haven't heard any from him yet. He didn't even call. So it came to me in a rush that I have to see him. I went to his apartment to surprise him. But I was even more surprised because of what I saw. He was inside his car with a lady. He hugged her tightly. She seemed like a goddess of having fair complexion and her eyes sparkle when she smiles. She was the fairest woman my eyes ever met. I felt envy. I felt sorrow in my heart. Right then and there, everything became a blur. I hurried toward the house and packed my things. I tried to catch mom at the airport. But before I left, dad and I talked. "If you're going with your Mom for that reason alone, then you're just wasting time and money. But if you'd be mature enough not to escape from this thing, then it would be better than anything you planned to do. I know from the deepest part of you the affection over him. Correct me if I'm wrong." He spoke so clearly. "Dad, I made up my mind. I don't want to be hurt again. I have to get rid of him", was all I could say. It was hard for me to leave, leave with thoughts of him in my head but it could only get better when I was away, though I knew it hurts. Mom was surprised to see me but she didn't have any choice but to take me. She didn't ask any question, not a single word. We arrived at Spain with the news in the television. "PLANE BOUND FOR GERMANY FROM PHILIPPINES CRASHED IN THE RANGES OF HIMALAYAS. 26 DEAD, 10 WERE MISSING."I felt sorry for all the passengers in there. I was just relieved when I knew God was with me and my Mom.
Upon arriving at Barcelona, I opened my eyes to new things that would help me forget him. I knew he was never meant to be mine. And I faced the seemingly impossible task of moving on again. I met different people in different races. But the more I meet people , the more I miss him. Things even got worse when I viewed the sunset at the rose valley. I even remember him. The thousand sunsets we viewed together are far better than the beautiful sunset in Barcelona.
One afternoon, upon going home from shopping with Mom, I received a call from my Dad. I didn't expect him to tell me the most frightening news. "Jack, Steve's gone. He died from a plane crash the other day." I didn't notice my eyes grew dim and my heart burned over the revelation. Without a single word, I handed Mom the phone. I hurried to the airport. I didn't notice tears welled down my cheeks. When I arrived at his apartment, I saw his little cousin ( the one I scolded) at the receiving area and saw his mother there. She was the lady in the car with Steve. I couldn't believe all I was thinking was not true. She approached me and asked, " Are you Jackie? Steve told me to give this to you. He was supposed to give this to you a week after your operation but you left. He talked to your Dad and that's it. He followed you."
She handed me a book, my favorite novel, there was a gap between some of the last pages that marked something popped in it. I opened the book exactly on the tampered page 447,
"Before you, ______, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were
stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a
meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty.
When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything
went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I
couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

There was a little note which says:
Hey! How do you feel now? I am very happy to know you're already in good condition. Now I'm on the verge of telling you everything I feel. I wasn't good at this but I will try.
On the day I met you, I was annoyed. I thought you were the most irritating creature I've ever met in my whole life. Well, I'm just kidding. The thing is, you fascinate me with the personality you have. It's as if you troubled my dull, peaceful life. You put color to my essentialist world. If my life was a song, you're the best dynamic applied to it and if it were a story , you became the best climax ever written. Thank you for being the sunshine in my god-forsaken world. I love You… And it seems that everything came back no normal, I want to ask if you would love to spend the rest of my life with me. Coz if there's longer than forever, I would love you that long.

P.S. Can you come at the dockside this afternoon? I'll be waiting for you there.

-sunset guy
Steve

How my heart sank when I read those words written precisely by his bare hands. I wanted to scream out loud and tell the world this thing is killing me softly. My world grew dark and the rest was history. All I could remember was the dying breath I take when I think of Steve leaving me. He took my heart away. I couldn't see any reason for anything.

Slowly fading away, the sun disappeared and everything went dark. It's already twilight. If only I could bring back those good old days we had. If only I could tell him it was the greatest pleasure to light up his dark world. He was like the sunset, exhilarating, yet slowly fading away. Now my hopeless introvert was gone, and he's already the timeless memory I could keep in my whole life...