Thousand Sunsets

Deep thoughts lingered in my mind as I enjoy basking alone under the sunset skies. I still figure out his smile when he would see the sun disappear over the horizon creating a fluorescent reflection in the pristine waters of the bay. I still remember his voice ringing in my head whenever we exchange stories . His eyes sparkle as he hummed a sweet tune and laid his gaze on me. And I still remember when he clasps me in his arms when the cold wind blows. I remember how his gorgeous face looks like when he tries to make me laugh whenever I got bored and moody. He became my die-hard comedian. All those I could reminisce through the many places we've been particularly at the dockside. It became our sanctuary. We use to loiter there even under the canopy of the stars.
But Steve wasn't as sweet as that when we met. He was a straight A student in our university. He was determined and prominent. No wonder I knew him right before we know each other. Being a future lawyer, he didn't care about anybody except his family and his studies. The first time I met him was at the dockside when he confronted me when I scolded his little cousin for scampering around me that caused my painting to plunge into the water. I loathed him for that. The second one was at my art exhibit. I didn't know that he was my Kyle's (my boyfriend) guest. I still remember how he sounded like somebody who knew me better. I suspected him then that he was spying on me. But his response pierced me, "Why would I spy on a you, immature brat? I would be the dumbest spy if I did." I hated it so I sent him off.
I never knew that that wasn't the last time I'd see him. We met at an Italian restaurant which was my favorite. I played it safe."Hello", was the first kind word he uttered, so far. I replied with a casual "hi". "I think it's not good if we would continue the war. Let me introduce myself . I am Atty. Steven Liu, a public servant", he said sarcastically. He was the first one who declared the ceasefire. Our friendship started then. We're so different in many ways. He loved classical songs versus my pop and rock; his indoor pampering versus my outdoor adventures; his movie criticism versus my crying-moment in the middle of heavy drama. It's as if he was the hopeless introvert and I was the die -hard gregarious lass. We were almost different except for few things; our love for books and the sunset. Those things bind us together.
I still remember how he cared when my boyfriend left me through his death. Steve was there with me when I witnessed Kyle's last breath. And he remained a true friend when the only name I could utter was my Kyle's. He healed the wounds that lingered for so long in my heart. "Everything would be fine, for sure. I know you can handle it." That was how he assured me. I was on the process of recovery from the loss when he told me he has his girl living in another country and she's coming back in few weeks. I appreciated his honesty.
Steve's girlfriend arrived from Australia keeping her promise to come back to marry him. My world crushed. I didn't understand what I felt that moment when he came to my house and introduced me to her. She was the girl he was dreaming for so long so I was back to shadows again.
The thought of him having somebody to spend with the rest of his life created a little wound in my heart. To ease the pain, I easily opted to go with my dad to Austria for his business trip. I didn't tell Steve I was leaving. I tried to find myself there, but the thoughts of him won't fade away. I wandered lonely in Austria, like a dark cloud. Never knew where I'm going, never knew the reason for doing it for all that's inside my head is he. Dad's business deal was closed in a week so I made myself ready to return to the real world.
When I came home, everything was fine, and I hope it would always be. I was surprised to see him when I visited Kyle's mother. I never thought he'd be there. We had a chance to talk. I was stunned when he told me he wasn't married. I didn’t know the reason but never dared to ask him why, otherwise he could tell me that the reason was another woman I never know. Why would I care? I'm better off with it. When I tried to admit that thought, something inside me mourned.
Fate played the game again when I was struck by the dreadful Liver Cirrhosis. All hopes faded when I realized I might not see his face again. But he never failed turn me up when I got too poignant. I became very ill then I thought it might be the end of everything. But liver transplant was the only hope.
On the day prior to my operation, as our usual activity during afternoons, we went to our favorite dockside. This time was different. I wondered what was going on inside his head. He waited for the sunset. He stared at me for few minutes and began to talk. "I know that after this, we never know what could happen next. But whatever life may bring us, I want you to know I'll be standing by you till the end. I want us to be still friends whatever may happen. And please, will you promise to come back for I still have things to tell you after you get well." My heart cries for something I didn't know that I must feel. Would I be happy for we would always be friends ? Or there's a part of me that wanted more from him. Theories about the things he would tell me flooded my mind. Could he not tell it to me now?
Steve was out for a free trial in Cebu so he wasn't there with me on my operation. I knew from the core of my being that he would have some goodies for me to tell after his trip and my operation. We would have lots of things to talk about. I just couldn't wait to get well and tell him everything I was feeling since the day we met. I couldn't wait to tell him I was dangerously falling for him. Right at that moment I never knew my mom has planned to take me to Berlin and live with her there. She said I was going to study international arts there and everyone's in her league. Everyone in the family likes Steve except for Mom.
After the operation, Mom tried to force me to go with her but she never succeeded and everyone knows that Steve was the hidden agenda. For several days, I waited for him to come back. But there was no Steve seen. I haven't heard any from him yet. He didn't even call. So it came to me in a rush that I have to see him. I went to his apartment to surprise him. But I was even more surprised because of what I saw. He was inside his car with a lady. He hugged her tightly. She seemed like a goddess of having fair complexion and her eyes sparkle when she smiles. She was the fairest woman my eyes ever met. I felt envy. I felt sorrow in my heart. Right then and there, everything became a blur. I hurried toward the house and packed my things. I tried to catch mom at the airport. But before I left, dad and I talked. "If you're going with your Mom for that reason alone, then you're just wasting time and money. But if you'd be mature enough not to escape from this thing, then it would be better than anything you planned to do. I know from the deepest part of you the affection over him. Correct me if I'm wrong." He spoke so clearly. "Dad, I made up my mind. I don't want to be hurt again. I have to get rid of him", was all I could say. It was hard for me to leave, leave with thoughts of him in my head but it could only get better when I was away, though I knew it hurts. Mom was surprised to see me but she didn't have any choice but to take me. She didn't ask any question, not a single word. We arrived at Spain with the news in the television. "PLANE BOUND FOR GERMANY FROM PHILIPPINES CRASHED IN THE RANGES OF HIMALAYAS. 26 DEAD, 10 WERE MISSING."I felt sorry for all the passengers in there. I was just relieved when I knew God was with me and my Mom.
Upon arriving at Barcelona, I opened my eyes to new things that would help me forget him. I knew he was never meant to be mine. And I faced the seemingly impossible task of moving on again. I met different people in different races. But the more I meet people , the more I miss him. Things even got worse when I viewed the sunset at the rose valley. I even remember him. The thousand sunsets we viewed together are far better than the beautiful sunset in Barcelona.
One afternoon, upon going home from shopping with Mom, I received a call from my Dad. I didn't expect him to tell me the most frightening news. "Jack, Steve's gone. He died from a plane crash the other day." I didn't notice my eyes grew dim and my heart burned over the revelation. Without a single word, I handed Mom the phone. I hurried to the airport. I didn't notice tears welled down my cheeks. When I arrived at his apartment, I saw his little cousin ( the one I scolded) at the receiving area and saw his mother there. She was the lady in the car with Steve. I couldn't believe all I was thinking was not true. She approached me and asked, " Are you Jackie? Steve told me to give this to you. He was supposed to give this to you a week after your operation but you left. He talked to your Dad and that's it. He followed you."
She handed me a book, my favorite novel, there was a gap between some of the last pages that marked something popped in it. I opened the book exactly on the tampered page 447,
"Before you, ______, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were
stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a
meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty.
When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything
went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I
couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

There was a little note which says:
Hey! How do you feel now? I am very happy to know you're already in good condition. Now I'm on the verge of telling you everything I feel. I wasn't good at this but I will try.
On the day I met you, I was annoyed. I thought you were the most irritating creature I've ever met in my whole life. Well, I'm just kidding. The thing is, you fascinate me with the personality you have. It's as if you troubled my dull, peaceful life. You put color to my essentialist world. If my life was a song, you're the best dynamic applied to it and if it were a story , you became the best climax ever written. Thank you for being the sunshine in my god-forsaken world. I love You… And it seems that everything came back no normal, I want to ask if you would love to spend the rest of my life with me. Coz if there's longer than forever, I would love you that long.

P.S. Can you come at the dockside this afternoon? I'll be waiting for you there.

-sunset guy
Steve

How my heart sank when I read those words written precisely by his bare hands. I wanted to scream out loud and tell the world this thing is killing me softly. My world grew dark and the rest was history. All I could remember was the dying breath I take when I think of Steve leaving me. He took my heart away. I couldn't see any reason for anything.

Slowly fading away, the sun disappeared and everything went dark. It's already twilight. If only I could bring back those good old days we had. If only I could tell him it was the greatest pleasure to light up his dark world. He was like the sunset, exhilarating, yet slowly fading away. Now my hopeless introvert was gone, and he's already the timeless memory I could keep in my whole life...